I’d Like to Thank the Academy

It’s time to turn in my dedication and acknowledgments for TWENTY BOY SUMMER. You know, the part in the front of the book where I get to gush about all of the people who told me that no, this manuscript does NOT make my ass look fat; who said things like, “Twenty Boy Summer? Is that your memoir?1” and who pretended to look the other way when I had a stage five freak-out at Panera during a particularly difficult chapter and cried into my caramel latte.

It’s a bit like writing my senior quote for the high school yearbook. Will I remember to thank everyone? Will people be offended if they aren’t listed or embarrassed if they are? Will the publisher edit it and totally screw up my dedication, just like in high school, when we had a character limit so I submitted “You are only n the wrong f u get caught!” to save space on the “in” and “if you” parts, and the yearbook staff thought I was trying to curse so they printed “You are only n the wrong get caught!” which, as you Black Sheep and grammar fans know, is ridiculous and wrong and haunts me to this day?

Exactly. So, to end all of this torment, I’ve called upon my seasoned marketing savvy for a new approach.

You, my loyal readers, get to decide for me.

With cash.

Wanna be in the book? Nothing says it better than a check or money order! Think of it not as buying my friendship, but as investing in the longterm promotional strategy of You, Inc. That’s right, my store-bought friends. YOU. Your unaided household recognition. Your media impressions. Your click-through rate. Your brand.

Acknowledgments range from $99 for name-only listings to $1500 for personalized messages with inside jokes and smileys. Bold, large, or otherwise fancy fonts are an additional $5 per character.

Look, I know it seems like a lot of cash to lay out. But the positive outcome is twofold: not only are you investing in your own brand longevity, you’re totally relieving major stress from a potentially best-selling, award-winning, world-touring author, thereby freeing my creative genius to focus on writing more books (in which you’ll have an additional opportunity to be acknowledged for a special, return-customer discount).

Really, people, that’s a win-win any way you look at it. Act now—don’t delay!

1. Um, no. I mean, I may have looked upon twenty boys that summer, but I totally didn’t inhale.