Terminated!

I think Smokey said it best in Friday when he said…

“You got to be a stupid mother$@#&%$ to get fired on your day off.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly my day off, and I didn’t exactly get fired, but on account of my typical lateness, I totally missed my own don’t-call-us-we-won’t-call-you-either meeting. The meeting. The one in which seven of us were, well, *insert Arnold voice here* TERMINATED.

It was quite the Sarah Conner day all around. I showed up late for the don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-in-the-ass meeting, but thanks to my excellent powers of deduction, I knew what went down. Lots of people crying and hugging around the cubes. Empty cardboard boxes kindly stacked in front of our desks, provided at no additional charge by They Who Are Heretofore Known As The Company.

Everyone looked kind of… shocked. I’m like, people. Don’t you read the Internets? Yahoo Finance had the scoop weeks ago. Which is why I packed my desk weeks ago, and why it only took me like 5 minutes and one half of The Company box to pack up the rest this morning (farewell, Dilbert cartoons! Farewell, sweet sweet fern of indifference!). I have to say, it’s kind of liberating to select all of the emails in your inbox and just hit DELETE! Bwa ha hah! The number you have dialed is no longer in service…

People kept asking me what I was going to do next. Let’s see, today, after I packed my half-box and bid adieu to my fern of indifference, I…

  1. Got my ‘her did. No use crying over spilt jobs! I needed a new cut for my upcoming trip to NY. Plus, you never know when America’s Next Top Model scouts will be cruisin’ the Denver unemployment line. When destiny calls, I gotta be lookin’ fresh!
  2. The outlet mall! The outlet mall! The OUTLET mall! Wait till you see this new coat I got. I want to sleep in it. I want it to snow in my bedroom just so I can sleep in it without alarming The Company-sponsored mental health service practitioner who is here to support me during this difficult transition-slash-TERMINATION.
  3. Put on my PJs at 6:30.
  4. Drank some wine.
  5. Had some pumpkin pie.
  6. With Alex and my office BFF L-Fizzle who also got TERMINATED.
  7. Watched a little Ali G.
  8. Oh, look! It’s midnight! I’m drinking coffee! La la la!
  9. Made my demanding to-do list for tomorrow: sleep in. Have breakfast with favorite husband. Go get curly hair stuff (extra strength for that NY humidity). Paint my nails. Paint husband’s nails. Watch paint dry. Oooh, shiny! Read a book. Read another. And another – oh, girl you are living ON THE EDGE!

Can I revise my Smokey thing? Now that I think about it, I believe it was Peter Gibbons who said it best in Office Space:

Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”

At some point, I’m going to have to, like, do something. But… *sigh*

Today is not that day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.


To my fellow terminees… if any of you would like to get together and, I don’t know, play Cranium or drink heavily or mastermind an evil plot or something, mi casa es su casa…

Preparations

In preparation for our eastward migration, which may start sooner than we thought*, Alex and I played a little game in our hotel suite at the Venetian in Las Vegas this week… a little game I like to call, “Where Would We Put The Bed?”

Since the company-sponsored suite was definitely larger (and most likely nicer, and probably cheaper) than any apartment we’ll snag in NY, we tried to envision how our existing furniture would fit into a space about that size.

Upon determining that our ever-expanding bookshelves will need their own bedroom, and that we could only dream of owning a sweet shiny gold couch like that, we gave up. I went back to reading Uglies (yeah, see how well that write vs. read decision went for me the other day?), and Alex went back to usability testing the minibar (it passed!).

After four days in the plastic paradise city where getting attacked by the Borg (assimilate or die!) at the Star Trek Experience was our most realistic adventure, we’re finally back in Denver. We miss that sweet gold couch, but no need to despair… there’s lots we can do right here at home to get into that New York state of mind!

Stuff to Do Before the Move:

  • Move all of our furniture into the living room and pretend that it’s our entire apartment
  • Close off the large bathroom and add a few cracked pink and black tiles, South American water bugs, and a loose, unlockable window to the smaller one
  • Lock up the garage and park on the street two neighborhoods over
  • Close off the laundry room and start hauling our dirty clothes in fabric bags to the nearest laundromat
  • No more SUVs for big, semi-monthly grocery trips! It’s back to walking the rickety old lady cart for us!
  • Purge our closets of all brightly colored clothes, leaving only black and, for a change-up, a few gray accessories (hey, gray’s a color!)
  • Break the spokes on our never-used Colorado umbrellas so we can leave them with their black and blue bumbershoot brethren in the 5th Avenue post-storm gutter
  • Practice writing a rent check with an extra 0 at the end
  • Bash up our car with a few door dents and key scratches
  • Throw out all those bottles of sun screen and reinforce our motley collection of gloves and scarves
  • Practice preparing and cooking food in a closet on one stove burner with a dorm-sized fridge and no microwave
  • Ask our maintenance guy to stop fixing broken stuff and to leave that trash in the parking lot right where it was thrown
  • Practice our swift-elbow-to-the-ribs moves for those subway passengers who refuse to “stand clear of the doors” on the 6 platform at Grand Central
  • Take $100 out of the ATM every day and burn it, then erase our memories so we have no recollection whatsoever of where that money went

Hmmm. Did I miss anything?


* It’s, like, super awesome to learn from an online newspaper that your company is about to be acquired!