Last night we visited my parents, and for some reason, perhaps alcohol and a lasagna-induced food coma were key factors, Dad agreed to stay up past his bed time to watch NEW MOON with us. He hadn’t seen the first TWILIGHT, and while I’m sure the books are somewhere on his TBR list under all that Clive Cussler and Tom Clancy, he hasn’t gotten to them yet. So I gave him like the thirty second summary and then we got to watching NEW MOON, appropriately subtitled TAYLOR LAUTNER’S ABS: A BRIEF BUT COMPELLING HISTORY.

Together with Pet Monster and Snickers the family beagle, we watched one point eight minutes of Edward and two hours of Jacob’s abs. Here’s the unedited, unscripted conversation that followed.

• Me: So Dad, are you team Edward or team Jacob?
• Dad: Team who or team what?
• Me: Edward or Jacob. Edward is the vampire, Jacob the werewolf. Which team are you?
• Dad: *blinks*
• Me: Dad, I need to know so I can order you the right shirt. Are you team Edward or team Jake?
• Dad: *blinks*
• Me: Well?
• Dad: I’m team Going to Bed.

So there you have it. Dad’s official NEW MOON review. Sure, he acted all “I’m team going to bed, rawr!” but I just know he ran upstairs and added TWILIGHT to his Netflix queue. I mean, you can only watch ROAD HOUSE so many times, Dad.