Terminated!

I think Smokey said it best in Friday when he said…

“You got to be a stupid mother$@#&%$ to get fired on your day off.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly my day off, and I didn’t exactly get fired, but on account of my typical lateness, I totally missed my own don’t-call-us-we-won’t-call-you-either meeting. The meeting. The one in which seven of us were, well, *insert Arnold voice here* TERMINATED.

It was quite the Sarah Conner day all around. I showed up late for the don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-in-the-ass meeting, but thanks to my excellent powers of deduction, I knew what went down. Lots of people crying and hugging around the cubes. Empty cardboard boxes kindly stacked in front of our desks, provided at no additional charge by They Who Are Heretofore Known As The Company.

Everyone looked kind of… shocked. I’m like, people. Don’t you read the Internets? Yahoo Finance had the scoop weeks ago. Which is why I packed my desk weeks ago, and why it only took me like 5 minutes and one half of The Company box to pack up the rest this morning (farewell, Dilbert cartoons! Farewell, sweet sweet fern of indifference!). I have to say, it’s kind of liberating to select all of the emails in your inbox and just hit DELETE! Bwa ha hah! The number you have dialed is no longer in service…

People kept asking me what I was going to do next. Let’s see, today, after I packed my half-box and bid adieu to my fern of indifference, I…

  1. Got my ‘her did. No use crying over spilt jobs! I needed a new cut for my upcoming trip to NY. Plus, you never know when America’s Next Top Model scouts will be cruisin’ the Denver unemployment line. When destiny calls, I gotta be lookin’ fresh!
  2. The outlet mall! The outlet mall! The OUTLET mall! Wait till you see this new coat I got. I want to sleep in it. I want it to snow in my bedroom just so I can sleep in it without alarming The Company-sponsored mental health service practitioner who is here to support me during this difficult transition-slash-TERMINATION.
  3. Put on my PJs at 6:30.
  4. Drank some wine.
  5. Had some pumpkin pie.
  6. With Alex and my office BFF L-Fizzle who also got TERMINATED.
  7. Watched a little Ali G.
  8. Oh, look! It’s midnight! I’m drinking coffee! La la la!
  9. Made my demanding to-do list for tomorrow: sleep in. Have breakfast with favorite husband. Go get curly hair stuff (extra strength for that NY humidity). Paint my nails. Paint husband’s nails. Watch paint dry. Oooh, shiny! Read a book. Read another. And another – oh, girl you are living ON THE EDGE!

Can I revise my Smokey thing? Now that I think about it, I believe it was Peter Gibbons who said it best in Office Space:

Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”

At some point, I’m going to have to, like, do something. But… *sigh*

Today is not that day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.


To my fellow terminees… if any of you would like to get together and, I don’t know, play Cranium or drink heavily or mastermind an evil plot or something, mi casa es su casa…