Josh Berk’s Release Day: The Musical

I’d like to send a big ol’ congratulatory shout-out to my good friend and agent brother-from-another-mother, Josh Berk, on the official release of his debut novel, THE DARK DAYS OF HAMBURGER HALPIN!

This isn’t Josh’s first appearance at You might recognize him from such well-publicized scandals as the animal cruelty thing, the NCTE big fat lying liar thing, and the highly un-Kosher pig-Frenching thing.

Video evidence aside, Josh’s days as a cow-killing, name-dropping, pig-smooching sociopath are behind him. In honor of his debut release day, he’s used his new-found talents for threatening bookstore employees, dancing on desks, and exploiting small children and household pets to produce a mostly family-friendly musical number. And because I’m so excited for Josh and his lead character, Will Halpin, and because I’m kind of embarrassed for him on account of all that public dancing, I’ve officially certified THE DARK DAYS OF HAMBURGER HALPIN as cruelty-free, lifting the nearly year-long boycott on Josh and his critically-acclaimed meat-monikered novel.

So go forth, good readers. Sing, dance, point, laugh, and buy Josh’s books in large quantities!

Congratulations, Josh! 🙂

Ockler to Berk: You Lie!

YA author Josh Berk, perhaps known best for his outrageous on-camera phone calls to medical professionals, clergymen, and others who probably can’t afford to be interrupted because they’re busy saving lives and solving the existential crises of our times1, exposed himself in front of hundreds of authors, teachers, and book industry pros on the floor of the NCTE conference this afternoon… as a fraud.

Camera man Jon Skovron, author of newly released Struts & Frets, told authorities that he had no knowledge that Berk’s calls were fraudulent or that Berk was wanted for questioning in a series of author stalkings.

As if authorities needed additional ammunition against this misguided conference attendee, Berk was later spotted stalking author David Lubar…

Berk Stalker!

…forcing vegetarian author Sarah Ockler to pose with some dude wearing a shirt advocating the slaughter of pigs…

Sarah Ockler Does NOT Love Bacon

…and instigating a match of Dirty Dozens with Twilight heartthrob Jacob Black, who made an unscheduled appearance to drum up support for the creepy shit that happens in Breaking Dawn that we won’t talk about here because it’s spoilery. Berk was later escorted from the conference by security. Witnesses reported hearing his final screams as two armed guards dragged him out to the street: “I didn’t mean to say that Edward was more swoon-worthy! I was Team Jake before there were even teams! I tore those last 100 pages out of New Moon! I love you, Jake!”

Berk Fondling Jacob Black

Josh Berk was last seen entering a public transportation tunnel with fellow YA author Jennifer Hubbard (The Secret Year, January 2010), presumably to terrorize unsuspecting Philadelphia suburbanites. It is unclear at this time whether Hubbard is an accomplice or merely another victim of Josh Berk’s author-obsessed delusions.

Berk Threatens Hubbard

Residents are advised that Berk is armed with an old model Nokia cell phone and may attempt another fraudulent on-camera call without warning.

1. YA author Josh Berk is also known for his role as helpless victim – slash – martyr in the Great Ockler-Berk April Fools Caper of 2009 in which Sarah Ockler risked book sales to pose as a militant animal rights activist; his once prominent but now defunct Jewfro; and his debut YA novel, The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin (February 2010).