You long-time readers know how I feel about doctors and hospitals and nee – *agh! squirm squirm squirm I can’t even say it* – dles, but I just had my check-up and you’ll be pleased to know that this time, unlike last year’s visit, no one tried to impale me. Everything was fairly routine, though I did have a rather “Who’s On First” conversation with my doctor…
- Me: So I’m having trouble sleeping.
- Doc: What time to you normally go to bed?
- Me: Um, around five. In the morning.
- Doc: *clears throat judgmentally; jots note in file*
- Me: And then I’ve been getting these weird anxiety attacks at night. Heart racing, panic, can’t breath, stuff like that.
- Doc: Hmmm… how much coffee do you drink?
- Me: About 6 cups per day.
- Doc: Okay, well, how late do you have your last cup?
- Me: *looks for escape hatch* Um, 2. Ish.
- Doc: Two in the morning?!
- Me: *looks at toes; shrugs*
- Doc: *Removes glasses; stares* Okay Sarah, I think you have a pretty good idea about what you need to do here.
- Me: Cut down on coffee?
- Doc: Yes. And that last cup needs to happen much earlier.
- Me: So, midnight, then?
- Doc: *sighs; annotates ever-increasing file* Okay, let’s get your blood work done. You’re not fasting now, are you?
- Me: I had a banana for breakfast.
- Doc: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon, and all you ate today was a banana?
- Me: *feels all exposed and defenseless in crinkly paper gown* Yeah. But I just woke up, like, an hour ago.
- Doc: What? What time did you go to bed?
- Me: Six. Ish.
- Doc: In the morning?
- Me: Yeah. I’m having trouble sleeping…
- Doc: * !!! *
And now we’ve come full circle!
Good news is, doc is excited for my book to come out so she can pick up a copy. Bad news is… yes, yes, I know what I need to do. But loyal readers, I need your expertise! Your mission? Help me create a healthy lifestyle program that will allow me to sleep better, lose weight, lower my cholesterol, and generally feel great. I’m confident you can rise to the challenge, though I do have a few very minor restrictions…
Said program must incorporate and rely heavily upon the following items:
- Vegetarian bean burritos with extra hot sauce
- Nachos, ibid.
- Djarum Blacks
- Teddy Grahams
Said program must avoid incorporation of or reference to the following items, phrases, or concepts:
- Meat (including but not limited to fish oil capsules, Red Bull, and Jell-O)
- Exercise (aka working out, including but not limited to Jazzercise and Sweatin’ to the Oldies)
- The power of positive thinking
- Olives (I’m trying, but I’m just not there yet.)
Oh, and this has to happen by August. Otherwise you’ll have this on your conscience: I’ll be the only one on Martha’s Vineyard wearing a big fat beach mumu and bunny slippers.
“No, that’s okay, I don’t want to go in the water. I’m… um… cold? Yeah, that’s it. Cold. Hence the flannel and hot coffee. And also, I’m having trouble sleeping…”