Doctor’s Orders

You long-time readers know how I feel about doctors and hospitals and nee – *agh! squirm squirm squirm I can’t even say it* – dles, but I just had my check-up and you’ll be pleased to know that this time, unlike last year’s visit, no one tried to impale me. Everything was fairly routine, though I did have a rather “Who’s On First” conversation with my doctor…

  • Me: So I’m having trouble sleeping.
  • Doc: What time to you normally go to bed?
  • Me: Um, around five. In the morning.
  • Doc: *clears throat judgmentally; jots note in file*
  • Me: And then I’ve been getting these weird anxiety attacks at night. Heart racing, panic, can’t breath, stuff like that.
  • Doc: Hmmm… how much coffee do you drink?
  • Me: About 6 cups per day.
  • Doc: Okay, well, how late do you have your last cup?
  • Me: *looks for escape hatch* Um, 2. Ish.
  • Doc: Two in the morning?!
  • Me: *looks at toes; shrugs*
  • Doc: *Removes glasses; stares* Okay Sarah, I think you have a pretty good idea about what you need to do here.
  • Me: Cut down on coffee?
  • Doc: Yes. And that last cup needs to happen much earlier.
  • Me: So, midnight, then?
  • Doc: *sighs; annotates ever-increasing file* Okay, let’s get your blood work done. You’re not fasting now, are you?
  • Me: I had a banana for breakfast.
  • Doc: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon, and all you ate today was a banana?
  • Me: *feels all exposed and defenseless in crinkly paper gown* Yeah. But I just woke up, like, an hour ago.
  • Doc: What? What time did you go to bed?
  • Me: Six. Ish.
  • Doc: In the morning?
  • Me: Yeah. I’m having trouble sleeping…
  • Doc: * !!! *

And now we’ve come full circle!

Good news is, doc is excited for my book to come out so she can pick up a copy. Bad news is… yes, yes, I know what I need to do. But loyal readers, I need your expertise! Your mission? Help me create a healthy lifestyle program that will allow me to sleep better, lose weight, lower my cholesterol, and generally feel great. I’m confident you can rise to the challenge, though I do have a few very minor restrictions…

Said program must incorporate and rely heavily upon the following items:

  • Vegetarian bean burritos with extra hot sauce
  • Nachos, ibid.
  • Coffee
  • Djarum Blacks
  • Teddy Grahams

Said program must avoid incorporation of or reference to the following items, phrases, or concepts:

  • Meat (including but not limited to fish oil capsules, Red Bull, and Jell-O)
  • Decaffeinated
  • Exercise (aka working out, including but not limited to Jazzercise and Sweatin’ to the Oldies)
  • Mornings
  • The power of positive thinking
  • Olives (I’m trying, but I’m just not there yet.)

Oh, and this has to happen by August. Otherwise you’ll have this on your conscience: I’ll be the only one on Martha’s Vineyard wearing a big fat beach mumu and bunny slippers.

“No, that’s okay, I don’t want to go in the water. I’m… um… cold? Yeah, that’s it. Cold. Hence the flannel and hot coffee. And also, I’m having trouble sleeping…”

7 thoughts on “Doctor’s Orders

  1. First, One minor correction to Mom’s comments above. It’s not the coffee Maker, it’s the one that is making the coffee!! Talk about shooting the messenger.

    I’m here for ya!!

    I’m now decaffienated and I can’t tell you how much better I feel!! It’s one of the worst habits to kick but it’s worth it!! AND, the coffee I made with above referenced coffee maker was just fine!!

    They make beach mumu’s out of flannel?? Kind of takes the beach out of being on the beach doesn’t it?

    Anyway, don’t try to break all your bad habits at the same time.

    Other than that, if you really want to not do all the don’t do’s you listed, get yourself a motorized wheelchair, with a great big cup holder, and a pillow attached so you can sleep anytime you want for a few minutes until it’s time to get more coffee.

    Love ya lot’s

    PS If I put “I don’t have one” under Website above will someone be trying to go to
    “I don’t have”?

  2. I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t have an answer for you. I get about 8 hours of sleep a night, going to bed at around 10pm and getting up at 6am. I eat mostly meat and veggies, I think positive most of the time, and I love olives. The working out thing and decaf I’m with you on though!

    Have you tried baked Nachos or the Fat Free kind? You could also switch to popcorn with nacho flavoring if you want to. They also sell fat free beans you could try those too. I’m a big Morning Star farms chick patty person, I eat those all the time.

    Your Dad is right, you need to takle one bad habit at a time. When that new good habit becomes a habit, then move on to the next one. It won’t seem so overwhelming that way!

    Good luck!

  3. Hey,

    Think about the amazing success you’ve had this last year. I’ve read that 95% of all manuscripts never get sold. You’re already in the top 5% of your chosen field and based on what you’ve earned I’m willing to bet that your in the top 2 or 3%. You achieved that success because you’re talented, you worked hard, and you were persistent. If you can do that You can do anything! Think about it. Your accomplishment are amazing. If you can write, and sell two books, you can loose a few pounds.

  4. Easiest way to get to sleep early and wake up early is to have kids. Seriously.

    Now whether or not thats good for your (mental) health – well, thats a whole ‘nother story.

  5. I’m assuming you put ‘Red Bull’ under ‘Meats’ because of its contents? I mean… everyone knows that Red Bull is made up of ground up bull parts; specifically the naughty bits. I mean who knew that pounding down that meaty puree of male-cow goodness could stimulate your body and your mind! And you get that great milk-like mustache that lets everyone know you just gargled bull semen and now your about to do a backflip off a mailbox! Actually ingredients in Red Bull are 100 % synthetically produced. It does not contain any animal products or substances derived from animals and is entirely vegitarian and veegan friendly. On a side note… its also Kosher and Halal… enjoy!


  6. 1. To hell with cutting back on caffeine! Its supposed to be an appetite suppressant, anyway. (in case you needed an excuse to keep the coffee flowing)

    2. Just a thought: If you’re awake during more of the daylight hours, you might actually want to go outside & go for a walk! Being a night owl myself, I think walking is a bit overrated. Maybe you can do Kegals while playing Scrabblicious. That’s exercise, right?

  7. haha i love ibid.

    if you want to save your caffeine-ridden soul, you’ll give away your coffee maker. it worked for me. until the bastard gave it back… now i’m back to hot sweats, anxiety attacks, and spurts of nausea whenever the stuff is out of my system. i’m thinking about hooking myself up to an IV. but enough about me. along with giving away your coffee maker, switch to green tea. it also has caffeine, but less of it, and more of that antioxidant stuff i hear so much about but still don’t know the real significance of.

    and i, obviously, have no solid advice about how to attain a healthy lifestyle. i do have a lot of lofty ideas about it, though, and i fully plan to put these to the test just as soon as i’m mature enough to stop drinking 5 days a week. will let you know.

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