People, we need to talk. I’m not trying to get all George-Bush-Fascist-Big-Brother-Let-Me-RFID-Chip-Your-Ass on you, but I’ve been reviewing the search terms by which some of you are arriving at this site and frankly, I’m concerned.

30 Days of Search Terms: A Random, Unedited Sample

1. how to ask for grab bags for parties: I’m not sure what you were hoping to find, but since I’m in a giving, holiday mood, and I feel somewhat responsible for misleading you with my random “grab bag” post category, I’m compelled to advise. Friend, when you attend a party, it’s ill-mannered to ask for or expect grab bags from your host. Hasn’t she already fed you, wined you, allowed your misfit children to roam her home with their sticky unwashed hands and muddy roller skate blinky shoes? That said, if you insist on returning with a grab bag to commemorate the occasion and one is not provided by your gracious host, simply unroll the brown paper lunch bag you keep tucked into your purse and make your own grab bag with small items from your host’s home, such as soaps in the shape of hearts, scented candles, cupcakes, pieces of cheese, jewelry left unattended, and small household pets.
2. “had to pee so bad” + traffic: So, friend, are you looking for advice here? Are you stuck in this awful predicament right-now-this-minute, tapping away on your Blackberry in search of a solution? Modern society is funny that way, huh? From the palm of your hand, you can instantaneously connect with your entire family, find a takeout place that’s on your way home, check the value of your stock portfolio, watch a movie, and take a closeup picture of your nostrils for your myspace profile. But you can’t find a place to pee when you’re stuck in traffic. Dude. Pull over. Open the passenger door. Stand in front of it to block the view from oncoming traffic, and do it up. Or, be like the guy I accidentally rolled up on in New Mexico. He just stood there, facing my car, writing his name on the side of the road. Anyway, there you go.
3. sequin socks: To match my sequined jacket, okay! I be lookin’ fresh! But you apparently have too much free time on your hands (and feet). Next.
4. Sara goes to town: Well hell yeah! I got these sequined socks, you think I’m staying home? “Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me…”
5. organizing under the bathroom sink: Organizing the bathroom? Me? I’m sorry. The number you have reached is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your call again. To someone who cares. Try my husband. He’s way better at these things than I am.
6. snowsuit pee: This one really stumped me. I mean, why would you search for this? Are you related to the Blackberrying traffic peeing guy from #2? Or are you trying to make us all remember when we were kids and we were all bundled up to play in the 5-foot snow out back and we got lost in the frozen tundra tunnel and by the time we dug our way home it was already dark and we couldn’t wriggle out of the snowsuit and overalls and mittens connected by a string in the back and big moon boots before it was too late and… suddenly quite warm. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Thanks a lot.
7. video pledge party magic marker: Hmmm. This party involves either housekeeping or frat boys. Either way, I’ll pass.
8. mr beer guy music: Yikes. I’m thinking it’s the frat boys.
9. why did i tetanus shot and passing out: I don’t know, friend, but it looks like you missed English class for that Dr.’s appointment. You’d better get a make-up.
10. “i heart mummies”: OMG… me TOO! What are the chances? I thought I was the only one! I… I… I LOVE you!
11. boobs outside: Hahahahahahah! WTF? Next.
12. peeing snowsuit: These snowsuit peeing queries are weeks apart. I’m sorry you haven’t found your answer, friend. Perhaps you need to clarify or expand your search terms. Are you looking for a snowsuit that pees itself? Or a suit that you wear in the snow, perhaps whilst stuck in traffic on your B-berry, so you can pee in the winter without pulling over? Really if you see this, you must tell me. This peeing snowsuit fetish of yours is keeping me up nights.
13. And saving the absolute best for last… does elephant pee smell like licorice: Oh oh oh maybe it’s like the asparagus thing – maybe everyone’s pee smells like licorice, and only elephants have the genetics to be able to detect the smell. Or maybe you should sneak into the zoo and climb into the elephant section and lay down low and be real quiet until you find out. Then report back to us. M-kay pump-kin?

See why I’m concerned? Grab bags and sequin socks are one thing. The real question here is, why are all these pee questions pointing to SarahOckler.com? Dammit, Jim! I’m a writer, not a peeologist!