You heard me, folks. Drop 50 pounds in 2 hours on my patented Useless Crap Reduction Diet!
If you experience any of the following symptoms on a regular basis, you need the UCRD!
- Is guilt eating away your stomach lining about all those thoughtful yet completely useless gifts still in their original packaging? Yes, the ones you have to dig out and put on display whenever those well-meaning but clueless gift-givers pay a visit? (“Oh, a needlepoint kit of the Battle at Wounded Knee… you shouldn’t have. No, you really shouldn’t have.”)
- Does your “stuff” weigh more than your home? Do you even know what’s in half of those boxes?
- Have you recently misplaced any small animals or children? (Hint: check those boxes)
- Do you have so many dustable knick-knacks that you spent precious time at the grocery store comparing and contrasting Pledge vs. the Swiffer?
- Do you have nightmares about losing your Useless Crap in some sort of Martian raid on your neighborhood?
- Do you own any teeny tiny spoons, teeny tiny books, teeny tiny shoes, teeny tiny ceramic people, or any other teeny tiny item that could never be used as the actual object it represents?
- Do you save your VHS tapes even after tossing out your VCR?
- Do you have a room in your home that no one is allowed to sit in because they might break, stain, steal or otherwise ruin the carefully crafted atmosphere?
- Do you have a bunch of random things in a drawer that can be used as gifts should you get invited to a party five minutes before it starts?
- Do you have a bunch of random things in a drawer that you received as gifts when you invited someone to a party five minutes before it started?
- Do you frequently leave Target with a $200 receipt for stuff and then forget what you bought as soon as you get home? And then when you open the bags you realize that half the stuff you bought is plastic bins in which to store the other half of the stuff?
- Does your closet contain any of the following: stonewashed jeans, jeans with ankle zippers, your 8th grade school picture outfit, your prom dress, clothes you haven’t worn in more than two years, clothes with the tags still on, clothes you forgot you had, clothes that don’t match anything else, or a hamster ball / habitrail kit?
- Ladies, are you still holding on to that half-spent Victoria’s Secret Floral Fantasy bath gel? Peach body spray? Satsuma Orange Shower Gel? Loves Baby Soft? Come on, you know you have a basket under your bathroom sink with every flavor lotion Bath & Body ever made!
If you answered YES to any of these questions, then you need my patented Useless Crap Reduction Diet, guaranteed to help you lose 50 or more pounds of random, unrelated, stress-inducing GARBAGE in just two hours! Don’t believe me? Take a look at THIS!
It’s like a game that’s fun for the whole family! Can you find the following Useless Crap in the pictures above?
- A little red journal 2 inches high and 2 inches wide. You can fit about one word on each page, and there’s a teeny little coffee cup on the front and a red ribbon bookmark. It’s so cute! But thanks to the UCRD, it’s GONE!
- Men At Work cassette tape, featuring such classics as “Vegemite Sandwich,” whose owner I shall not name (hint: not me) – GONE!
- Little green balls that make gentle little “I’m not going crazy, I’m not!” bell noises when you roll them in your hand – GONE!
- Brown fringed pillows that ended up in our living room after a gag white elephant party – GONE!
- And for Miss Hains… a certain “previously viewed” video given to me by a certain friend several years ago, recently confessed as her certain “previously viewed” way to judge certain relationship choices of mine… hmmmm…
Concerned about the environment? Reduce, Reuse, yadda yadda yadda? The Useless Crap Reduction Diet is 100% ecologically friendly! When you eliminate junk with the UCRD, we guarantee that someone else will take – even purchase – with actual money – your load of Useless Crap!
Remember, if you can’t wear it, eat it, or read it, it’s Useless Crap! If you do one and only one thing this week, let it be to end this madness immediately with the Useless Crap Reduction Diet! Act now! Don’t delay! Grab a bin and get to work!
(oh, if only we could end our empty plastic bin addiction… must… get… bin intervention…)
Terms and Conditions: If your initials are M.O.M., no, you may not ask me what’s in the box. You may not have any of it. You may not ask me in five years “Whatever happened to that stained, broken *insert useless crap here* that so-and-so gave you in 1976? I bet you gave it away, didn’t you! That was a precious family heirloom!” You may not contact my regional Goodwill and ask them for an itemized list of my donations so that you can get them back. In fact, you should probably just forget that you ever read this post – that would best for all parties involved.
This post is dedicated to my favorite monster and UCRD champion.
Thank you for your support of the Useless Crap Reduction Diet!