Oh. My. God. I am doing a public reading – in public and everything – a week from Saturday. That’s where I get up in front of everyone in some crowded trendy overpriced bar and read a passage from my novel.

*Ahem*

*Tap tap tap*

Hellooooo, Denver! How’s everyone feelin’ tonight? My name is Sarah, man, and this is my story. Are you ready to rock? Well, are you?

*Crickets*

It’s all part of a 2-week literary festival I’ve signed up for through Lighthouse – parties, classes, parties, classes, readings, drinkings, parties, etc.

My reading starts at 6 at a place called the Forest Room 5, so I plan to be there by 4 (sheesh good thing I’m not into numerology) to get liquored up before taking center stage, just like Karaoke. And dancing. Not that I will be singing or dancing this time, folks. Just reading. And with any luck, my voice won’t be shaky, I won’t read too fast, people will laugh at all the right parts (at least, the friends that I paid in advance will laugh) rather than at my outfit/hair/walk, and no one will throw any martini olives at me. Any night where I get up on stage without getting smacked in the eye with a wet olive is a good night, in my book (no pun intended).

As for the rest of the LitFest ’06 countdown, here’s what’s going on:

5 days until… Finish It! Fiction workshop (rule #1 to finishing your fiction: do NOT start a blog. Yeaaaah, about that…)

8, 9, & 10 days until… Deep Revision, On Becoming A Sensuist, I Want To Write So Why Don’t I (Feh!), Finding Your Voice, Breathing Life Into Characters, and Art & Violence craft classes. This is also the deadline to make up my supposed “bio” and send it in to the agents along with a query letter and 2 chapters.

15 days until… Literary Friendship salon discussion.

16 days until… Storytelling For All Writers craft class.

18 days until… Agent & Editor Reception, during which I try to act classy, literary, educated and cosmopolitan (shhhh, don’t tell them) in front of the people who have already presumably read my fake bio, query letter and sample chapters (unless they are like me, in which case they will wait until 5 minutes before our meeting the following day to start boning up on their Sarah trivia…)

19 days until… I meet with an agent for 20 minutes to *gulp* pitch my novel-in-progress.

Oh, what does it all mean?!

I think Ulgra* from Dark Crystal said it best: “THE GREAT CONJUNCTION IS THE END OF THE WORLD… or the beginning.” Man, you just don’t mess with an old chick who can see into your future with the eye she just popped out of her head and rolled around in her hand.

*A shout out to my kid brother, Pook Nugget, for remembering Ulgra’s name. Pook earned his PhD in VHS movie trivia circa 1983-1995, graduating Summa Cumma Lumma from the University of Nothing The Hell Else T’Do in upstate New York. Areas of emphasis included Chevy Chase, Jim Henson, cowboys, Vietnam and teenage girls. Thanks, Pookie!